Old Scars

My world felt shattered after I was deleted out of what I called my home. The place I  met Jesus, made friends, dreamed dreams, and started on a whole new path for my life. Its been a little over a year now since I said my peace and walked away from a situation that broke my heart. Yet, even though I walked away, my heart still breaks for what could of been. It feels as if I torture myself sometimes with the what ifs, I can start traveling down the rabbit hole of questions and get lost. When I come up for air I feel as if I have cut open an old scar. Yet, has it really even healed yet though? 

I felt as if I was drowning afterwards. I had no life boat to reach for. No hands reached for me. I felt so alone. I just let the waves take me. 

I wasn't alone however! The bible talks constantly about God being with us always. He doesn't leave us or forsake us...

'Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go' Joshua 1:9

'...so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.' Joshua 1:5

'...I am with you and will rescue you,' declares the LORD. Jeremiah 1:8

God is a God of comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3) and in my time of hurt He comforted me when I turned my face away from the hurt that comes from this world and towards his magnificent bright and shining light. 

Why do I blog about this you ask? 

Because I think about that scar almost everyday. I think about the home I lost and sometimes I forget the beautiful things that came out of it.

•  Learning about Jesus
• Declaring my love for Christ 
• The provision for my first mission trip
• my husband

Is the scar fully healed yet? No, but one day it will be because all things happen for a reason. I may have hurts from being pushed out, but those hurts made me stronger and taught me more. So, don't give me. Don't let go. Hold fast and persevere because out of all pain comes something beautiful. 

The Married Life

Eight months.

253 days.

6,072 hours.

Since I said I do to the man I love. People often ask me how the married life is and I tend to come up with a generic answer for them. It seems that my tongue can't form the words that my heart feels.

I say things like...

‘It's the same as when we were dating’

‘All we did was sign a piece of paper, where's the difference’

‘It's great’

‘I love it’

Why does my tongue say these but my heart screams out something so contrary to these utterances?

Marriage is so much more than what we had while dating. It isn't only a legal document; it is more than what our world views it as today.

“Marriage should be honored by all…” Hebrews 13:4

Our world doesn’t honor marriage anymore. Our culture has dimmed it down to nothing more than a legal document that can be voided out by another legal document when the going gets tough.

Marriage is two becoming one. It is…

"...the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
    for she was taken out of man.”

 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Genesis 2:21-24

I became a part of my husband. He became a part of me. We are one flesh and we are united together under the eyes of God. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:6

The last eight months has been more than a piece of paper signed; it has altered my life and my being. The act of saying I do has made me a completely new person combined with my husband. We have become one. All my faults and my weaknesses are only diminished in the sight of my husband and our love for each other because…

 ^“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her  to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body.  “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”  This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” Ephesians 5:25-32

Our marriage and all marriages are a representation of Christ and his bridegroom the Church. 

This makes my heart sing and jump and tumble and roll with joy! The thought of this is so beautiful. 

So next time I get asked the question of ‘how is the married life’ I’ll have to sit down with a cup of coffee and explain the beautiful intricacies of my marriage and the act of marriage because it is so much more than a simple document.

One Day I Will Soar

I get mesmerized by the birds sometimes; I sit and stare blankly out the window and watch them soar through the vast open sky, and I long for that freedom to soar without any inhibitions. To just be! 

Yet, even though I crave this, the fear still finds a way to roll in like a deep dense fog that I can't maneuver my way out of. This fear of the unknown starts to sink into the pit of my being and I start to worry. I start to question. How can I ever be so carefree? I have bills, responsibilities, a job, and so many facets to my day to day living that I can't ignore. Yet, God tells us not to worry:

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" -Matthew 6: 25-27

And in this worrying that I do I gain nothing. 

'Look at the birds of the air...your heavenly Father feeds them.' He takes care of them. The birds soar through the air and live so freely, they do not sow or reap or store away. That is what I, as a human, do. I worry about the future and choose not to live in the present. I choose not to be free. Yet the Bible tells me clearly that I am...

'So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.' John 8:36

'It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.' Galatians 5:1

'Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.' John 8:32

I am made free in Christ.

I can soar like the birds.

When the doubts roll in and I find myself only staring at the birds instead of soaring like them, I will turn to my Savior and feel the breath of freedom rush past my face like the cool breeze in the sky. 

Something Beautiful

Two years ago today I left the comfort of my routine life and my lackluster heart for God behind me and I went to go experience something MORE! I left with nothing more than a backpack filled with clothes, my brand new bible, and a head filled with screaming doubts; and I experienced something my mind never even could comprehend would happen: SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL.

Four countries, four months, and five girls I didn't know led me to something so amazingly wonderful that my heart and spirit weep of joy when I reminisce of it all. Of the heartbreak, the homesickness, the hurt, the fear, the doubt; of all the worries I carried with me. Of the arguments, the late nights, the early mornings, the hot days, and the spicy foods. Of the laughs, the smiles, the tears of happiness, of the hugs, and the adventures. Of the eye opening, heart exploding, sheer love and joy I found in my Lord and Savior when I finally truly opened up and believed! I treasure every single moment of those four months because it broke me down and built me back up into SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL!